


But I'm A Basketball Player

by flawedamythyst



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - But I'm a Cheerleader (1999) Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-02-25
Updated: 2009-02-25
Packaged: 2018-10-16 11:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10570581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedamythyst/pseuds/flawedamythyst
Summary: “I used to be a gay, Jared,” said Kripke. Jared stared at him in shock. “Now I'm an ex-gay,” he continued proudly. “I work for a place called True Directions, who help people like yourself learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies. And how to heal them.”Written for whenboymeetsboy.





	1. Chapter 1

Intervention

 

It was going to be an awesome day, thought Jared as he jumped happily out of bed. The basketball state semi-final was that evening, which they were almost certain to win, and Sandy was coming over beforehand to have dinner, so his mom would probably cook something nice and maybe get one of Jared's favourites for dessert.

He bounded down the stairs noisily, and for once his dad didn't complain, just glanced up from behind his newspaper. “All ready for the day ahead then?” he asked.

Jared grinned at him. “Yep!” he said. “The game tonight's going to be awesome. You guys still coming?”

His parents exchanged glances. “We'll definitely see you tonight,” said his mom. She set a basket of muffins down on the table in front of Meghan, who happily dived right in, ignoring the conversation around her in favour of food.

Something seemed a bit off, but before Jared could work out what, the doorbell rang. “That'll be Sandy,” he said. “I'm giving her a lift to school today.” He kissed both his parents, ruffled Meghan's hair in a way guaranteed to make her whine at him, grabbed a muffin, and headed out the door.

He greeted Sandy with one of his best bear hugs and kissed her forehead, but gently pulled himself free when she tried to turn it into a proper kiss. His front yard was not the place for that kind of thing. “You ready for this evening?” he asked instead.

“Yeah,” she said hesitantly, and glanced at the kitchen window. Jared's mom was standing there, watching. Jared waved at her, glad he hadn't let Sandy kiss him.

“The game's going to be awesome,” he said to Sandy, and headed over to the car.

“Right,” she said, following him. “The game.” She didn't sound as enthusiastic as Jared was, though, and he resolved to get her in a better mood. No point in being happy if he couldn't spread the joy to his girlfriend, after all.

 

****

 

Despite his best efforts, Sandy was still moody that afternoon as Jared drove home. _Probably PMSing,_ he reasoned, and tried not to make a face at the thought. He was still excited about the game, and kept up a running commentary on how he thought the team was playing at the moment, which members needed to work on their speed and who needed to bulk up more.

Sandy just sat in silence and listened until they were only a block away from his house. “Pull over,” she said suddenly, and Jared did immediately, worried in case she was going to be sick, or bleed everywhere, or some other gross girl thing.

Instead, she moved closer to him until she was practically sitting in his lap. “Kiss me,” she demanded.

Jared blinked at her. “What's up?” he asked, concerned.

“Kiss me,” she said again, putting her tiny arms around his neck. He pecked her lips and she sighed.

“Kiss me properly,” she said. “Before we get to your house.”

Jared glanced out of the windows nervously but there was no one around, so he leaned in, wishing he hadn't pulled over. The kiss was damp and soft and not very satisfying, but he smiled at Sandy when he moved back.

“Come on,” he said. “Mom'll have dinner waiting.”

Sandy still didn't look happy, but she nodded and climbed out of Jared's lap, back onto her side of the car.

 

****

 

When they got inside Jared's house, he was surprised to find a crowd of people waiting for them. Not just his parents, but Matt and Milo from the team, and Jared and Sandy's friends Alexis and Lisa, as well as a strange guy in a blue polo shirt that looked like a uniform top and very tight shorts.

Jared hesitated for a moment, and glanced back at Sandy, who didn't look surprised.

“Hi, guys,” he said slowly. “What's going on?”

“Come in and sit down,” said his mom. Jared frowned.

“Hi, Jared,” said the strange man, stepping forward and holding his hand out. “My name's Eric Kripke.” Jared shook his hand on autopilot. “Your parents and your friends want to have a conversation with you. I'm here to help facilitate that dialogue, so why don't we start by sitting down, and making ourselves comfortable?”

Jared was getting a very bad feeling now, but he followed Eric into the sitting room and let himself be sat down on the sofa. The others all sat in a semicircle around him, watching him, and Jared began to feel very awkward.

“Now, Sherri,” continued Eric. “Would you like to start the conversation?”

Jared's mother nervously stood back up. “JT, you know we love you,” she started, which Jared took as a bad sign. “But lately we've noticed, uh, some behaviours that we're concerned about.” Jared frowned. What behaviours? He wasn't doing anything differently than he had before, was he? He just went to school and practice, hung out with Sandy and his friends and always made sure he was around for Sunday lunch at home.

“We're afraid you're being influenced by a...very modern, and unnatural, way of thinking,” continued his mom. Jared grew even more confused. What the hell was going on? “We...it's...” she floundered for words for a moment, and glanced at his dad, presumably for help.

His dad cleared his throat. “Son,” he said gruffly, “we think you're gay.”

“What?!” exclaimed Jared, barely able to believe his ears. What on earth would make them think that?

“I used to be a gay, Jared,” said Kripke. Jared stared at him in shock. “Now I'm an ex-gay,” he continued proudly. “I work for a place called True Directions, who help people like yourself learn to understand the reasons behind homosexual tendencies. And how to heal them.”

Jared gaped at him, then at his friends and family. “What?” he said again. “What tendencies? What makes you think I'm gay? I have a girlfriend!”

Sandy sighed. “You don't even like kissing me,” she said, defeatedly. “We've been going out for two years, and we've barely got past first base.”

Jared stared at her. “I was treating you with respect!”

“You always get really touchy-feely in the locker room,” said Milo. “Well, you're touchy-feely everywhere, but it's most disturbing in the locker room. You're always hugging us.”

Matt nodded. “And you have way more girl friends than guy ones. And not, like, in a player way, just like you actually like spending time with them.”

“The only pictures in your locker are of guys,” added Alexis.

“They're basketball players,” said Jared. “I admire them.”

“Just admire?” asked Eric with a knowing look. Jared glared at him. “Denial is a part of the healing process which we'll explore at True Directions.”

“Healing?” asked Jared incredulously. There wasn't anything wrong with him! And he certainly wasn't gay.

“It's like rehab, but for gays,” said his mom.

“It's only for a few months,” added his dad, “And then you'll be better again.”

“There is no way I am going,” said Jared firmly.

 

****

 

Step One: Admitting You Are A Homosexual

 

True Directions was a large detached house in the middle of nowhere, painted in powder blue and a bright, barbie pink. Jared looked at it in despair when he got out of the car, wondering what the hell he was doing here. He wasn't gay!

They were greeted at the door by an imposing-looking lady in a neat pink suit. She smiled like a shark and held out her hand. “You must be Jared,” she said. “Welcome to True Directions! I'm Dawn Ostroff.”

Jared reluctantly shook her hand, then glanced at his parents, wondering if there was some last minute way he could persuade them to let him just go home.

“Thank you so much for this, Miss Ostroff,” said his dad with heartfelt gratitude, and Jared sighed, giving up all hope.

“Please, call me Dawn. And it's not a problem.” Her smile stretched wider, and Jared had to repress a shudder. “I'll take him from here, if you want to say goodbye.”

His mom anxiously pecked his cheek. “You be a good boy,” she said. “Make us proud of you.”

His dad slapped his back. “We know you can beat this thing, and then you can come home.”

Jared stared at them both blankly. “Bye,” he managed through a dry mouth as they headed back to the car. He watched them drive off, feeling lost and betrayed.

Dawn put her hand on his shoulder, and he could feel her fake nails digging into his skin. “We've just got a couple of things to do first,” she said, “then you can go and meet the others.”

 

****

 

There was a welcome video.

“Frank was a normal, happy boy,” said the voiceover as pictures of a slightly dorky-looking boy flashed past on the screen. “Until he fell into the Gay Lifestyle.”

A guy – presumably Frank – appeared on the screen, and Jared blinked in shock. He was dressed in tight leather pants and a shirt made out of some kind of silver mesh, and his hair was bleached bone-white and spiked up all over his head. He was wearing a thick, black collar with a padlock through it, and...Jared squinted. Was that make-up?

“He'd take me to these clubs,” Frank said, staring dully down at the floor. “There'd be drinking, and drugs, and then he'd make me do things with other guys.”

The scene jumped, and Frank was fighting back tears. “He gave me this stuff that made me see things, and passed me around like a party favour, to several guys at a time. I'd wake up in alleyways, naked and covered in bruises, and I just...I just kept going back for more.” His voice broke. “It seemed that every time I thought I couldn't get any lower, I'd fall a bit more.”

The voiceover continued over shots of Frank – now dressed normally and with his hair back to its natural colour – sitting in a circle of other people, presumably at True Directions. “Frank came to True Directions, and completed the course, finding his way back to his true self. A year after he graduated, Frank was married.”

The film showed Frank dressed in a very sharp tuxedo, standing next to a mousy-looking woman and grinning widely, as if all his dreams had come true. He looked much, much better like that, and Jared found himself smiling for him.

The True Directions logo came up at the end with the slogan 'Straight Is Great.' Jared stared at it for a few seconds, then Dawn reappeared and took him into her office, which was almost frighteningly tidy.

“The others arrived yesterday, but it shouldn't be hard for you to catch up. It's a six-step program,” she said. “Let's focus on Step One.” Apparently, thought Jared, getting straight took half as many steps as getting sober. “Step One is admitting you're a homosexual,” continued Dawn.

“But I'm not,” protested Jared. “This is all just a huge mistake. I'm not gay.”

Dawn gave him a smug little smile that said she didn't believe him and leaned forward. “Jared, I know this is very difficult for you, but we here at True Directions just want to help you.”

“I'm not gay,” repeated Jared, firmly.

Dawn looked briefly disappointed in him, then put a bundle of clothing on top of her desk. “Until you can admit it to yourself,” she said. “You'll wear this.”

 

****

 

Inside the bundle was a green hospital-style gown. It was clearly designed for someone at least a foot shorter than Jared, and had a gaping hole at the back that made him feel really exposed even though he was wearing his boxers underneath.

Dawn summoned a guy called Tom to show Jared around the place, and to explain all the rules.

“Okay,” he said, leading Jared around the house's veranda to the back. “Rise and shine at seven, breakfast is at eight, group therapy until lunch.” _Therapy?_ thought Jared. _Jesus._ “In the afternoon, we have free time to do whatever, then we move inside to do reorientating exercises.” _What the hell is a reorientating exercise?_ but Tom had moved on before Jared could ask. “Family therapy on the weekends. You didn't miss much, really.”

He stopped outside a blue door. “This is the boys dorm,” he said, before opening it. The room inside was decorated entirely in blue, which made Jared feel as if they’d gone underwater. There was a row of beds neatly made up with blue duvets along one wall, all of them empty except one, on which lounged a guy reading a book.

“We all sleep in here,” continued Tom, “but there’s no ‘unauthorised behaviour’ allowed.”

Jared frowned. “You mean, like smoking?”

“No,” said the guy on the bed, looking up from his book. “He means like fucking.”

Jared blinked in surprise at the profanity, which was delivered with feeling. No one spoke like that back home. The guy stared hard at him, as if challenging him, and Jared found himself caught by just how green his eyes were.

“Ignore Jensen,” said Tom, dragging Jared back outside. “He just enjoys being a jerk.”

The last thing Tom showed Jared was a chart with everyone’s names written down the side. Apart from Jared, they all had Step One already ticked off.

“We all completed it yesterday,” explained Tom. “It was easy.” He took a deep breath. “I’m a homosexual,” he announced proudly.

“Uh, right,” said Jared, not sure how to respond. Were commiserations in order? He glanced back at the empty box next to his own name, then found his eyes being drawn to the one next to Jensen’s name, just underneath.

“You’ll meet the others in group therapy,” said Tom, glancing at his watch. “It should start in five minutes.”

 

****

 

Group therapy was even more unnerving than Jared would have guessed. Everyone sat in a circle, staring at Jared. The girls were all in neat pink blouses and skirts, and the boys were all dressed in blue. Jared thought about the pink-striped shirt he’d bought last month, and wondered if that had contributed to his parents sending him to True Directions. He felt out-of-place in his green robe, especially as he could feel the cold plastic of the chair against his thighs through the gap at the back.

Dawn decided that everyone should introduce themselves to Jared, to welcome him. Tom started.

“I’m Tom,” he said, grinning in a friendly manner. “I like golf, and I’m a homosexual.”

Next to him was a skinny guy with very little hair. “Hi, I’m Mike, I’m Jewish and a homosexual.”

“I’m Genevieve,” said a girl with dyed black hair and a lip piercing. “I like pain, and I’m a homosexual.”

Beside her was a girl with her brown hair in a long, sleak ponytail. Jared idly wondered what conditioner she used, and whether it would make his own hair less fluffy. “I’m Lauren. I like horses, and I’m a homosexual.”

Next was a guy with blonde highlights in his hair. “I'm Chad,” he announced. “I'm an actor, I model, and I'm a homosexual.”

Jensen was after him, but he didn’t stand up. “We met,” he said with a nod.

Dawn scowled at him. “Jensen!” she said in a warning tone.

Jensen sighed and sat forward. “I’m Jensen,” he said. “I really like cock, and I’m a homosexual.” He smirked, and Jared found himself caught on just how full his lips were. For a moment, he couldn’t pull his gaze away, not even when the next guy stood up.

“I’m Misha. I kayak, and I’m a homosexual.”

The last one was a skinny blonde girl. “Hi, I’m Katie,” she said in a bored voice. “I work in a diner, and I’m a homosexual.”

Jared grinned back at them all, hoping he looked friendly rather than freaked out. “I'm Jared,” he said. “I play basketball and, uh, I'm not a homosexual.”

The others all looked sceptical, and Dawn pursed her lips. “Well, okay,” she said, disbelievingly. “How about we start by talking about some of the issues that were raised at your intervention?”

Jared thought back. “They said I had more girl friends than guys,” he said, “But that's just because I get on better with the girls in our class.”

“Are you sure it's not because you don't feel threatened by the girls, because you don't think they're hot?” asked Mike, leaning forward.

“Yes!” said Jared firmly. He remembered what else his friends had said. “I have pictures of basketball players up in my locker, but that's just because I want to be like them, not because I...” he let his voice trail off.

“Because you secretly want to lick all over them?” asked Genevieve.

Jared stared at her in horror. “No! I wouldn't...that's wrong!”

“But hot,” pointed out Misha. Jared glared at him, and he shrugged. “Well, okay,” he said, “what about girlfriends? Ever had one?”

“Yes,” said Jared firmly. “I've been going out for Sandy for two years – she's awesome. She's funny and talented and...”

“Have you ever fucked her?” interrupted Jensen.

Jared stared at him with horror, trying to ignore the thrill that the curse word gave him. “I respect her way too much for that.”

“Respect her, right,” said Mike. “Or maybe you just don't want to because she doesn't have a cock she can stick up your ass.”

Jared choked. “That's not it at all,” he protested. “I'm a good guy – I get good grades, I don't drink or smoke, I never complain about having to babysit my sister...I'm on the basketball team! I'm not gay!”

“When you're in the locker room with your team-mates,” said Lauren, ignoring his outburst, “do you look at their bodies?”

“They said I touched them too much,” said Jared uncertainly, “but it's just, you know, friendly hugs and so on. We're guys on a team together – it's normal!”

“Maybe you only think it's normal,” said Tom. “How do you know that the others are thinking the same things as you when they do it?”

Jared frowned. He thought back to after the last game, when he'd given Milo a massive hug in celebration of their win, just as he was coming out of the shower and wearing only a towel. He'd been thinking about how brown Milo's skin looked compared to the white of the towel, and the way the water beaded off his chest. “Doesn't everyone have those thoughts?” he asked.

“No,” said Jensen, firmly. Jared found himself looking at his lips again, and this time he tried to work out why. What was it about Jensen's lips over, say, Genevieve's that meant he couldn't stop thinking about them? He thought about how soft they looked and how much he wanted to...oh god. How much he wanted to kiss him.

“Oh god,” he said out loud. “Oh god, oh god. I'm...I'm a homosexual!” He could vaguely hear the others starting to clap, but he couldn't focus on anything outside of his sudden revelation. The way he always wanted to tuck Milo's hair back behind his ear when it fell in his eyes, the hours he spent looking up pictures of Manu Ginobili online, the way his skin began to crawl when Sandy pressed her breasts up against his chest... “I'm a homosexual,” he repeated. “I'm a homosexual.” He was a pervert. He was going to Hell. He put his head in his hands.

“Congratulations Jared,” said Dawn. “You have just taken your first step in your True Direction!” She pressed a bundle of clothes into his hands. “Here, put these on.”

 

****

 

Jared's new outfit was the same as the other boys – blue pants and a blue button-down shirt. When he put them on, he felt less exposed, but not exactly calmer. A slightly panicked voice in the back of his head kept going 'Oh god, oh god, I'm gay' even while he was getting his dinner. It was possibly the first time ever that food didn't make him feel better.

Everyone except Jensen sat on the same table, but it was big enough that there was a seat left for Jared. Jensen sat alone on another table, and as Jared was passing, he looked up at him.

“Congratulations on achieving Step One, jock,” he said, and Jared couldn't tell if he was being mocked or not.

“Thanks,” he said shortly, and hurried over to the other table.

“Don't mind him,” said Katie, snidely. “He's just pissed cos the only weiner he gets to eat is the one on his plate.” She spoke loudly enough for Jensen to overhear, and Jared saw him flush slightly and duck his head.

“I can't wait to be straight,” said Tom with feeling.

“Hell yeah,” agreed Chad. “It's going to be awesome. Think of all the pussy we'll be able to bag.”

The other guys made non-committal agreeing noises, but Jared noticed a look of distaste cross Mike's face. He understood the feeling, but he told himself firmly that by the time he graduated from True Directions it would be gone, and he'd be able to kiss Sandy and like it when he got home.

 

****

 

Going to bed that night was weird. Jared suddenly noticed just how often his eyes seemed to casually drift across to where one of the other guys was undressing, and he wondered if that was what Milo and the other guys had been objecting to in the locker room. The third time he had to forcibly tear his eyes away from Tom's biceps, he made himself stare hard at the wall while he got his pyjamas on, and then climb into bed as fast as possible.

Misha was already in the bed to his left, and Jared noticed that his eyes were firmly fixed on something. He wondered if Misha was using the same technique of staring at a wall, and followed his gaze to find out. He found himself staring at Jensen's flat, toned stomach, and felt a hot flush run through him. When he glanced up at Jensen's face to see if he'd noticed, Jensen was smirking smugly at him. He winked, and Jared clenched his jaw and turned over fast to stare at the wall instead.

 

****

 

Step Two: Rediscovering Your Gender Identity

 

The next morning started in what Dawn referred to as 'the classroom' but which was really just a few chairs around a white board. She wrote out the six steps that True Directions used, and introduced them to what came next.

“In Step Two, we begin the process of everyone rediscovering their gender identity. Now, we all know we're latent heterosexuals, but what we have to do is relearn our masculinity and femininity. That's what the reorientating exercises are designed to do.”

Eric took all the boys outside ( _Real Men love the outdoors!_ ) and they played football for a while, which Jared really enjoyed. Football wasn't half as much fun as basketball, of course, but given the opportunity to play sports, he was willing to settle.

He and Tom were easily the best at it. Jensen, Mike and Misha all played with the fumbling clumsiness of guys who hadn't picked up a ball since Junior High, although Jensen and Misha picked their game up after they'd been on the field a while. Chad was really, really bad. Jared had never seen anyone drop more catches or misjudge more throws – it was almost painful to watch.

After football, Eric took them over to a clearing with a sawn-off tree stump in the middle, and showed them how to chop logs with an axe. Jared couldn't decide if swinging the axe made him feel manly or like an idiot, but he figured that if he wanted to get straight he should stifle the thought that the whole exercise was ridiculous.

Chad somehow managed to let go of the axe mid-swing when it was his turn, sending it flying up into the air, and they all ran for cover before it came back down on their heads. Jared ducked behind a near-by wooden cut-out of a lumberjack ( _lumberjacks are Real Men – you boys could learn a lot from them_ ) and found himself crouching next to Jensen.

“This shit is insane,” muttered Jensen as the axe came back down to earth close to the bush Mike and Tom had hidden themselves behind.

“The football was better,” agreed Jared. Jensen glanced sideways at him, and snorted as if Jared had missed the point.

“All right boys, come back,” called out Eric. Mike and Tom pulled themselves out from the bush, and Tom looked red-faced. Jared wondered if the axe landing so close had scared him.

“Let's leave this one for now,” said Eric, picking the axe up. “We'll move on.”

He gave them all plastic guns and helmets, and took them over to another part of the grounds which had trenches dug in random patterns, and cut-outs of soldiers rather than lumberjacks. “We're going to play wargames,” he announced.

Running around with a gun yelling made Jared feel even stupider than the wood-chopping had. He decided that must be a symptom of his homosexuality, and tried his best to get into it. He didn't want to get sent home as incurable, after all. His parents would be so disappointed.

Everyone else seemed to have the same mindset, and soon they were all rushing around, yelling warcries and trying to kill each other. Only Jensen didn't seem to be taking it seriously, and Jared wondered if maybe he just didn't want to get straight.

 

****

 

That afternoon they had group therapy outside, sitting on logs in a circle.

“Okay,” said Dawn, glancing down at a clipboard. “Who's left to report out their root? Mike?”

Mike scowled. “Jesus, Dawn,” he said. “I'm not the only one who doesn't have a root.”

Dawn frowned at him. “We don't use blasphemy at True Directions.” Mike nodded, pursing his lips. She sighed and glanced back at her clipboard. “Who else? Jared?”

Jared had been dreading this. “I don't know,” he admitted. “I've done a lot of thinking, but I just can't come up with anything.”

“I think the jock is too scared to disclose,” said Jensen, snidely.

Jared glared at him. Maybe if he'd spent most of the wargames sitting behind a tree like Jensen had, he'd have had enough time to work out where his homosexuality came from, but he'd been too busy trying to capture Misha and Tom's flag. “What's your root then?” he asked.

Jensen held his hands up defensively. “This isn't about me – you're deflecting.”

“Actually,” said Dawn, “I think it would be good for Jared to hear your root, Jensen.”

Jensen glanced down, then looked up and met Jared's eyes. “I'm a male cheerleader,” he admitted. Jared blinked. For some reason, the image immediately sprang to his head of Jensen in a crop top and a short skirt, even though he knew male cheerleaders didn't dress like that.

“Okay, good,” said Dawn. “Let's see...Lauren?”

“All-female boarding school,” explained Lauren.

“Katie?” continued Dawn.

“My Mom got married in pants,” said Katie, ducking her head as if embarrassed.

“I was born in France,” said Genevieve frankly.

“I've been acting since I was ten,” said Chad. “I was in an ad for toothpaste last year,” he added brightly. “Maybe you saw it?” Dawn glared hard at him, and he cleared his throat awkwardly. “And, uh, I did some modelling as well.”

“My Mom used to let me play in her pumps,” said Misha in a blank voice.

“I, uh,” Tom paused, and took a deep breath. “Traumatic breasts,” he forced out. Everyone applauded his disclosure.

“See how easy it is?” Dawn said to Jared and Mike. “You just have to dig down into those painful memories, and you'll find it.”

Jared nodded, and resolved to spend some time that night thinking about it. If he didn't crack it soon, he was going to be behind, and the others would all get straight before him.

 

****

 

The next morning was pretty much the same as the previous day, although Eric decided that they'd leave wood-chopping until later in the course and concentrate on car maintenance instead. He assigned their partners, and Jared found himself bent over an engine with Jensen, trying to remember how to change the oil. He didn't have the first clue how to do it though, because he'd managed to drift off somewhere in the middle of Eric's explanation, when he'd got a bit carried away with the dipstick.

“You're doing it wrong,” bitched Jensen as Jared tried to pull off a part he thought he remember Eric doing something with.

“No, I'm not,” growled Jared.

“You are,” insisted Jensen, and tried to pull Jared's hand away from the part. Jared wasn't having that at all, and pulled back, harder.

The argument brought Eric over to look at what they were doing. “Boys, you just need to...” There was a crack and a thunk and the part Jensen and Jared were fighting over came off in their hands, sending a spray of oil all the way down Eric's front.

Eric blinked in surprise, and then reached slowly up to wipe it off his face. Jared caught Jensen's eye, and suddenly they were both laughing as if it was the funniest thing that had ever happened.

Eric went to clean up, and Jared tried in vain to stick the part back on the engine, and the whole time neither him nor Jensen could stop grinning.

 

****

 

Step Three: Family Therapy

 

Jared was missing his parents, and had been really looking forward to seeing them again at the first family therapy session that weekend. So when they got out of their car and waved hesitantly at him, he was completely surprised by the anger he felt.

 _How dare they act happy to see me when it's their fault I'm here,_ whispered a bitter voice in his mind. Jared firmly quashed it, reminding himself that he was here for his own good, and that his parents just wanted to make him better. The anger was just a waste of energy he should be using to get straight.

It was weird having a therapy session with everybody's parents there. Some of them were exactly like he'd pictured them – Katie's mom was just an older, tireder version of her, faded hair scraped back into a messy ponytail – while others were a complete surprise. Jensen's dad turned up in a black shirt with a white collar, and Jared stared at him for a long moment before shifting his gaze to Jensen. Jensen was probably the least pious person at True Directions – he swore even more than Mike, and took God's name in vain, and more than once Jared had noticed him sneaking bites of dinner while grace was still being said.

Mike spoke first, still trying to work out his root. “When we were kids,” he started awkwardly, clearly unnerved to be talking openly about these things in front of strangers, “after our swimming lessons, we used to change back in front of each other. You know...naked.” He looked up at Dawn expectantly. “And that's it. That's my root.” He smiled.

Dawn sighed. “That's what kids do after swimming,” she said impatiently. “They get changed together.”

Mike's face fell. “But I'd look at those other boys and, you know...get sprung.”

Jared heard his mom suck in a sudden breath of shock, and squirmed with embarrassment about talking about these kind of things in front of her and his dad.

“Uh,” said Tom, glancing at his own mom. “I can relate, I guess. Last summer, when I was doing that life-saving course, me and one of the other guys used to sneak off afterwards and...uh, touch each other's legs and stuff.”

Jensen's dad let out a disgusted noise. “No one wants to hear details of your depravity, son,” he said, sternly. Tom shut his mouth with a snap and hunched over to look at the carpet.

“Mr Ackles, please,” said Dawn, frowning, but he just spoke straight over the top of her.

“I thought you were meant to be curing these kids, not giving them opportunities to swap notes,” he said, and stood up. His wife stood up with him, one hand going up to touch the cross round her neck before she followed him to the door.

Jensen's dad turned to fix his son with a steely gaze before he left. “You better be getting more out of this, Jensen. You're here to get straight, remember, not to share tales of your perversion.”

Jensen stayed seated and stared back at him, his face completely blank and emotionless. He nodded.

“You just trust in God and keep praying,” continued his dad. “You're walking a fine line right now – neither of us wants to see your soul eternally damned. You know you wouldn't be welcome in our house after that, and there'd be no car, no money, no college.” He swept out of the room, his wife close behind.

Jensen stayed seated for a moment, his face still clear of all signs of emotion, then he gave a rueful half-smile that made Jared feel just horrible for him and followed his parents out of the room. Jared glanced out of the window behind him and watched as Jensen stood on the porch, looking very alone as his parents got into their car.

“Jared,” said Dawn, pulling Jared's attention back into the room. “Are you ready to report out your root?”

Jared took a deep breath and glanced at his parents before nodding. “Yeah,” he said. Dawn smiled encouragingly. “See,” he started carefully, “my family's always been pretty much perfect – I mean, I even get on with my brother and sister way more than most people I know, but...the only thing that's weird about us, really, is...” he glanced at his dad quickly, then down at the carpet, and forced the words out. “Dad does the cooking. All the cooking – he always has.”

His dad sucked in a sharp breath. “I'm just helping out your mother,” he said, defensively. “Besides, most of the top chefs are men.”

No one was really listening to him, though. “I guess,” said Jared, “maybe having grown up with Dad in, uh, a role that other people's moms usually take, maybe it's confused me about the roles of men and women?” He looked at Dawn, hoping she'd agree. He'd spent ages thinking about this, and it was just about the only root he could come up with.

Dawn beamed at him. “Absolutely,” she said, and Jared relaxed slightly. “I can't believe you haven't mentioned this earlier. You have no respect for women, because your mother has emasculated your father.”

Jared winced. “Uh, it's not like that.”

“Jared,” said Dawn firmly. “You have found your root!”

There was a round of applause. Jared tried to smile in response, and carefully didn't look at his parents. Well, at least he knew why he was a homosexual now – one step closer to being straight.

 

****

 

The next day was hot and sunny, so most people went outside for their free time after lunch. Jared followed them out, wondering what the hell he should do with his hour. Chad was doing some kind of comedy routine that involved a lot of flailing arms, surrounded by the girls who were watching with varying expressions of amusement and mockery. Misha was off to one side watching them, as if not sure he wanted to join in. Jared could sympathise – there was something a little too full-on about Chad, and Jared just really wanted to relax in the sun.

Jensen was sitting on a rock on the edge of the grass, smoking. He was hunched over slightly, and Jared remembered the shuttered look on his face when his parents had left. He found himself walking towards him without really thinking about it, and threw himself down on the grass at Jensen's feet, spreading his limbs out to catch the sun.

His hand knocked against Jensen's ankle, and Jensen huffed and shifted his leg out of the way. “Don't panic,” said Jared, rolling his eyes. “I'm not contagious.” Wait, was homosexuality contagious? True Directions was a bit like being in quarantine, after all. “And if I am,” he added, “it's not like we're not all infected already.”

Jensen laughed at that, and Jared grinned with accomplishment, then shut his eyes against the sunlight. He wanted to take his shirt off so that he could feel its rays against his bare chest, but he was pretty sure that would be frowned upon by Dawn and Eric, so instead he just untucked it and rucked it up a bit, enough to expose some of his stomach to the warmth of the sun.

Jensen cleared his throat above him. “What are you doing?” he asked in a strained voice.

“Sunbathing,” said Jared without opening his eyes. “You know, enjoying the great outdoors, like Eric keeps saying we should.”

“Right,” said Jensen sceptically, and Jared braced himself for another of Jensen's scathing comments, but nothing was forth-coming. They stayed like that in silence for a while, then Jared cracked open one of his eyes slightly and watched Jensen take a drag on his cigarette, his eyes fixed somewhere far off in the distance.

“Your parents didn't stay long,” he said tentatively, wondering if Jensen wanted to talk about it.

Jensen looked down at his cigarette. “Yeah, well, I imagine it's hard to sit still for long with a stick up your ass,” he said bitterly.

Jared wasn't sure if that meant Jensen did want to talk or not, so he kept pushing. “Your Dad's kinda opinionated.”

Jensen snorted. “That's putting it mildly,” he said, bitterly. He looked back out into the distance. “He's been disappointed in me ever since I became a cheerleader,” he said, and Jared congratulated himself for correctly gauging that Jensen did want to talk.

“I'm sure that's not true,” he said soothingly.

“It really is,” said Jensen with conviction. “It's okay, it doesn't bother me any more. He just wasn't ever expecting to have to cope with having a son who wanted to spend his free time turning cartwheels rather than doing manly things with balls. Course,” he added, smirking, “when I did do manly things with balls, that didn't go down so well either.”

That conjured up some interesting images in Jared's mind that he was pretty sure Dawn would disapprove of. He took a deep breath. “You could have given up cheerleading,” he suggested.

Jensen shook his head firmly. “No way,” he said. “It's...” His eyes darted to Jared. “Don't laugh,” he ordered.

“I wouldn't,” promised Jared.

Jensen didn't look convinced, but he continued anyway. “It's the only thing that really makes me happy. It makes me feel alive.”

Jared didn't laugh. “You feel that strongly about waving pompoms around?” he asked, trying to understand.

Jensen scowled. “That's only for the chicks who aren't any good at it, and are just there to get boyfriends on the football squad,” he bitched. “Real cheerleading...” he trailed off, and glanced around. Jared found himself following his gaze. Chad, Misha and the girls were still over by the house, sitting in a group. Katie had her head in Chad's lap, and her feet in Lauren's. Misha was looking over at them, but he glanced away when he saw Jared looking.

Jensen stood up. “Real cheerleading is more like this,” he said, stretching. Jared sat up to watch.

Jensen stood still for a moment, his back very straight, then he executed a perfect cartwheel which turned into a somersault as soon as he landed back on his feet, his body twisting in the air as if gravity had no hold over him. He ended on his feet, arms held by his side, and Jared could see his face was flushed with the effort.

“Wow,” said Jared, impressed. There was scattered applause from the others and Jensen went even redder and sat down. “That was really cool,” said Jared.

Jensen grinned. “Thanks,” he said. He flicked a look at Jared through his eyelashes. “You know, you'd be good at cheerleading.”

Jared laughed out loud. “Me? I could never do that.”

Jensen shrugged. “Most of being a guy cheerleader is throwing and catching the girls. You're really big and strong – you'd be good at that.”

Jared shook his head. “You're so wrong,” he said. “I'm the least co-ordinated person ever. I'd drop them.”

“Most of the cheerleaders I know are so dumb that dropping them on their head could only be an improvement,” said Jensen with a grin.

“My girlfriend's a cheerleader,” said Jared, trying to feel offended on Sandy's behalf. “She's not dumb.”

Jensen's face shut down. “If she's so great,” he asked, “how come you're here?”

“How come _you're_ here?” retorted Jared, feeling stung.

Jensen shrugged. “My boyfriend _was_ dumb,” he said, and Jared froze with shock.

“You've got a boyfriend?” he asked, torn between horrified and curious.

Jensen looked down at his cigarette packet and tapped it nervously on his hand. “Not really,” he said. “I had a guy I used to fuck around with, until he let his Mom catch us, and I got sent here.”

The idea of Jensen fucking around with someone – and what did that even mean? - made something hot surge up inside Jared. He forced it down. “Were you...did you love him?” he asked awkwardly. He'd always thought he loved Sandy, but the last couple of weeks were making him not so sure.

Jensen scoffed. “It was just fucking around,” he said, and stood up. “We should get inside,” he said, even though they still had at least ten minutes, and headed off towards the house. Jared sighed and lay back down on the grass.

 

****

 

Jared couldn't stop thinking about Jensen's cartwheel-somersault thing for the rest of the day - the way he'd just thrown himself into it, as if spinning around in the air like that was easy, the way his shirt had ridden up and shown a brief flash of flat stomach, the way his chest had flexed with each deep breath afterwards. Jared had to keep clearing the images out of his mind and telling himself firmly that he was just impressed with Jensen's cheerleading skills.

Late that night, he lay awake in the dark, listening to the soft breathing of the other guys and the weird choking noise that Chad made when he slept, and tried hard to think of something – anything else. The memory of Jensen splashing water onto his mouth after cleaning his teeth came into his head instead, and the way his fingers had looked moving over his lips. Jared wondered what it would be like to be the one touching those lips, then realised with a sinking feeling that he was hard. Achingly hard. So hard he was going to have to do something about it if he wanted to get any sleep tonight.

There was no way he was jerking off in the room with everyone sleeping around him, so he sneaked out of bed and crept across the floor to the door, hoping like hell that no one heard him. He paused for a moment outside, trying to work out where he could go for a guaranteed fifteen minutes solitude. In the end he decided on the common room – far enough away from both dormitories and bathrooms that no one would stumble in by mistake, and there were tissues on the table for when people got over-emotional during group therapy. They'd come in handy.

When he got there, he pressed his back up against the wall behind the door, so that he'd have time to at least cover up if someone did come in, then put his hand into his pyjama pants and took a firm grip on his cock. _I'm only going to think about Sandy, and other girls_ , he told himself firmly. _Jensen's not even going to cross my mind._

Except just thinking that meant that he had, and despite Jared's best attempts, he couldn't seem to wipe Jensen's lips, the pale skin of his stomach, his hand holding the spanner when they were working on the car, out of his mind while his hand began to pump at his cock. His fingers tightened with frustration, and he forced himself to think about Sandy. He tried to remember exactly what her lips were like, but he couldn't really bring their shape to mind.

He was about to let loose a groan of frustration when he heard a noise in the room with him. It sounded like a choked moan, and it came from somewhere the other side of the couch. He tensed up and stood incredibly still, hand frozen mid-stroke on his dick. There was another noise – a sort of slick, wet sound, and Jared pulled his hand off his cock and crept forward, half-afraid of what he was going to see but unable not to look and satisfy his curiosity.

Just the other side of the couch, Tom was spread out on the carpet, one arm jammed in his mouth to prevent himself making any noise. Mike's head was bent over his crotch, his mouth sucking hard on Tom's cock.

Jared stared in shock for a moment. “Holy CRAP,” he exclaimed, far louder than he meant to. Tom and Mike, suddenly alerted to his presence, pulled apart frantically, shushing him.

“Quiet!” hissed Mike, standing up, holding his hands out in a pacifying manner. He wasn't wearing a shirt.

“Jesus Christ!” said Jared, brain still frozen with shock. “You were...you guys were...”

“Shut up!” said Mike. “Do you want the whole house to hear?”

There was a noise behind them, and the light flicked on. Jared blinked at the brightness, and turned round to see Eric standing by the door, looking righteously pissed.

“What the hell is going on here?!” he demanded, which was about when Tom chose to stand up. He'd dragged up his pyjama pants, but it was blatantly obvious from the hickey on his chest what they'd been up to, and Eric's face went black with anger.

“You two are in so much trouble,” he promised darkly, and grabbed both Mike and Tom's wrists. “Time to wake Dawn.”

“Oh, God,” said Tom in a half-whimper.

“Go back to bed, Jared,” said Eric firmly, pulling them out the door. Jared watched them go, his heart still in his mouth.

 

****

 

He didn't go to bed. Somehow, everyone found out what was going on, and they all came out to crouch in a silent mass outside Dawn's window, listening to her yell at Tom and Mike, telling them that they were disgusting perverts. Jared couldn't help feeling horribly guilty about it, even though Dawn was technically right. They really shouldn't have been doing that.

“Whichever one of you inverts started this is out of this house,” she announced at the end of her rant. “The other one is going to have to work extremely hard to complete this course.”

There was a tense pause, then Tom said, in a shaky voice, “It wasn't me. I didn't...you can't call my parents, please, Dawn.”

“Well, it wasn't me,” said Mike quickly. “And I can't get sent home either.”

“I'm not interested in anybody's sob stories,” said Dawn sharply. “I can't help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. Now, who started it?”

Jared became aware that some of the others were looking at him with hard eyes, and he gritted his teeth. It wasn't his fault – anyone would have yelled if they'd been confronted with seeing two guys doing _that_. He couldn't choke down the guilt though, and when they all finally went back to bed, he lay awake for a long time. He wondered what it would have been like to have been in Tom's position, or even in Mike's. What was it like to have a cock in your mouth, to make someone fall apart like that?

He pushed the thought from his brain immediately, and tried hard to think about manly things.

 

****

 

The next morning, Jared was the one sitting at a table on his own at breakfast. He tried to keep his head down and ignore the glares while he dug in to his pancakes, but somehow he just wasn't that hungry. Tom shuffled in late and sat down in the nearest empty seat, clearly not in the mood for conversation. He stared down at his food and moved it round the plate without ever taking a bite.

Mike appeared after a while, dressed in his own clothes rather than the True Directions uniform, and carrying a suitcase. “I guess I'll see you guys later,” he said, addressing everyone but only looking at Tom. Tom didn't look up from his food, although his fork froze in the air, and after a moment Mike gave the rest of them a half-wave, then left. Tom stood up abruptly as soon as he was gone, and disappeared in the direction of the dormitory, leaving his tray on the table.

“If someone had got me caught,” said Katie as they all watched him leave, over-emphasising 'someone' and looking meaningfully at Jared, “they'd be in a whole new level of pain right now.”

Jared found himself hunching over, as if to make himself a smaller target for the glares being levelled at him.

“You probably want to make sure it's Genevieve that catches you then,” said Jensen. “She likes that kinky shit.”

Genevieve gave a half-shrug of agreement.

“Dude, that'd be hot,” said Chad appreciatively. “Katie would totally rock leather dominatrix gear.”

Jared looked up to catch Jensen looking at him, rolling his eyes and giving him an amused look as if to say _Look at these idiots. What do they know?_ Jared smiled back.

 

****

 


	2. Chapter 2

Step four was 'Demystifying The Opposite Sex.' Frankly, Jared felt that the opposite sex had been way too demystified the first time Sandy had a frank and open conversation with him about her periods, but for the sake of getting straight he was willing to risk finding out even more gross things about girls.

Dawn made them watch a slideshow of images of a couple from what looked like the 1950s, while giving a commentary on normal, heterosexual relationships. Jared tried hard to concentrate and take mental notes for when he got home to Sandy, but it was pretty hard. He had the sneaking suspicion that if he treated Sandy like Ned was treating Sue on the slideshow, she'd go off the deep-end and make him read some crappy book about feminism, like she had when he'd made an off-hand comment about how bad girls were at most kinds of real sports.

The other thing making concentration hard was Jensen, who was sitting next to Jared on the couch, pressed close so that there was room for Tom as well. Jared could feel the warmth of his body all along his side, and found himself focussing on the rhythm of Jensen's breathing and unconsciously matching it.

“And here are our lovebirds taking a relaxing evening stroll together,” said Dawn, clicking to a slide of Ned and Sue in a wood together. “Notice how affectionate they are. This could be it.”

Jensen's hand, which had been lying innocently in his lap, crept sideways until his little finger was resting against Jared's leg. Jared froze. He knew he should shift away, or glare at Jensen, or do something, anything, to discourage him, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to do more than try and keep his breathing normal so that the others wouldn't notice. Jensen's little finger stroked up and down over Jared's pants a couple of times.

“And here is our happy couple at home,” continued Dawn, flicking to the next slide, in which Sue was holding a pie and looking overjoyed to be serving it to Ned. “Now, it's important to make your man feel at ease when he comes home from a long day at work.”

Perhaps emboldened by Jared's lack of reaction, Jensen moved his hand even further, until it was resting completely on Jared's leg. He squeezed gently, both of them keeping their eyes fixed hard on the screen, and then left it there for the rest of the slideshow, occasionally rubbing his thumb against the seam of Jared's pants.

He moved it before the lights went up at the end, and Jared immediately fled for the bathroom with a mumbled excuse.

****

The rest of the week passed in a bit of a blur. Jensen seemed to be next to Jared every time he looked round, standing just slightly too close, cracking jokes that Jared thought he probably shouldn't be laughing at, and grinning at Jared as if the sun had just come out after fifty years of rain. Jared couldn't help grinning back and making sure that there was always a seat for Jensen beside him, but he told himself firmly that it was just because they were friends. After all, they were halfway through the course, so they must already be nearly fifty percent straight. Just because Jared's already tenuous grasp of other people's personal space disappeared completely around Jensen, it didn't mean anything.

By the time Saturday rolled round, Jared was used to working on the car with him, shoulders and hips bumping together as they fought over the wrench, both of them sure the other was doing it wrong.

“You're going to make it spurt on us again,” complained Jensen.

“I know what I'm doing,” insisted Jared, although he really didn't. He jostled Jensen to one side, taking advantage of his larger size to shove him away, and yanked hard on the engine part he thought they were meant to be tampering with. There was a disconcerting grinding noise, then the top popped off and a spurt of oil hit them both.

“I told you that would happen,” said Jensen, wiping it off his face. It was dripping off the end of his nose, and Jared didn't bother finding a reply, he just started laughing. Jensen mock-glared at him, then started laughing as well. “You've got it in your hair,” he said. “Like some '50s greaser.”

Jared reached up to pat his hair and found that he was right. That was never going to come out.

“Boys,” said Eric, looking them both up and down. “How do you always manage to do this? Even Chad's got the hang of it.” There was a loud clang and a swear word from the engine that Chad and Misha were bent over, and Eric winced slightly and added, “Mainly.” Jared ducked his head and tried not to shuffle his feet. Eric sighed. “I'm particularly disappointed with you, Jensen,” he said. “I thought you knew your way around an engine.”

Jared glanced curiously at Jensen, who gave a slightly embarrassed half-shrug. Eric pursed his lips. “I suppose you'll have to go clean up, but make sure you're back here before it's time to go on to wood-chopping.”

There was nothing Jared wanted more than an excuse to miss wood-chopping, which was just monotonous hard work now for everyone except Chad, who was a danger to everyone and everything except the log he was meant to be chopping when he had an axe in his hands, but he nodded anyway before following Jensen back to the house.

He waited until they were in the bathroom, water splashing into the sink, before he asked, “What did he mean, about you knowing your way around an engine?”

Jensen looked slightly awkward. “I told him the first day that I already knew about engines, because I'd practically rebuilt my car from scratch, and that he should just let me have free time instead.”

Jared frowned. “Is that true?” he asked.

Jensen bent his head over the sink. “Kinda,” he admitted, before splashing water all over his face. Jared looked away from the droplets clinging to his eyelashes and concentrated on cleaning his own face off.

“Then why didn't you tell me before?” he asked. “You could have just done it right the first time.”

Jensen shrugged. “I figured you were the one that needed to learn this stuff, and you wouldn't if I just did it.” He tilted his head and grinned at Jared. “Besides, it was kinda fun watching you go straight for the one part that would cover us in oil every time, without fail.”

Jared raised his eyebrows. “Oh, so this is all your fault,” he said, gesturing at his stained clothes. Jensen gave an unrepentant grin, and Jared splashed water at him.

“Jerk,” he said. Jensen just laughed.

****

They got changed, both of them looking politely and slightly awkwardly away, although Jared caught another flash of Jensen's abs out of the corner of his eye. For a split second, before he could suppress it, he pictured what it would be like to lick along the lines of them. He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he was going to be straight, but he couldn't help wondering if Jensen's boyfriend – or whatever it was that you called a guy you were 'just fucking around with' – had ever done that.

Then he found himself wondering if Jensen missed the guy. He'd said he wasn't in love with him, but Jared was beginning to get the feeling that if he had been, he'd probably have said the same thing.

“Do you miss your friends from home?” he asked as they walked back, too chicken to ask the question he really wanted to ask.

Jensen frowned at him slightly. “Oh yeah,” he said, sarcastically. “Just can't decide who I miss more, the band geeks or the dumb jo-” He stopped himself, and had the grace to look embarrassed at his mistake, but Jared just laughed.

“Go ahead,” he said. “Say it. I know what I am – just a dumb jock, right?”

Jensen shook his head. “You're not dumb,” he said quietly, and Jared had to duck his head to hide his thrill of pleasure at the compliment.

There was silence for a moment, then Jensen sighed. “I don't really have any friends,” he admitted. Jared wasn't sure how to answer that, and after a moment Jensen asked, “What about you?”

Jared thought about his friends, about the last time he'd seen them and how they'd all sat there and judged him at the intervention. “I thought I did,” he said.

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “They know you're here?”

“Oh, yeah,” said Jared bitterly.

Jensen let out a low whistle, and shook his head. “That's shitty,” he said. Jared nodded in agreement.

He wasn't sure who moved closer, but somehow the distance between them closed until the backs of their hands were gently bumping together with each step. He spent the rest of the walk out to the wood-chopping clearing fighting the urge to just give in and take Jensen's hand.

“You know what I really miss from home?” he said to distract himself.

“What?” asked Jensen.

“Candy,” said Jared with feeling. “I can't believe how little there is here. It must be against the Geneva Convention to keep us here without any.”

Jensen laughed, his eyes crinkling up with mirth, and Jared had to look away.

****

That night he went into the boys' bathroom to clean his teeth and found Jensen, Misha and Chad standing in front of the mirror in their regular clothes, clearly getting ready to go somewhere.

“What's going on?” he asked.

Jensen looked round from fiddling with his hair and grinned at him. “We're sneaking out,” he said. He was wearing a green button-down shirt, and it made his eyes look amazing.

“What?” said Jared dumbly.

“Come with us,” said Jensen, walking up to stand close to Jared. Jared clutched nervously at his toothbrush and glanced over at Chad and Misha, who were carefully ignoring them and concentrating on their appearances in the mirror. “It's been ages since we had any fun,” pointed out Jensen.

Jared shook his head without letting himself think about it. “There's only a few weeks left,” he said, feeling like a wimp. “I'm not going to risk getting thrown out now.”

“We're not going to get caught,” said Jensen with confidence. “Come on, come with,” he wheedled, half-smiling at Jared as if he knew there was no way Jared could say no.

Jared tried, he really did. He opened his mouth, meaning to say no, but somehow what came out was, “Give me a minute to get changed.”

Jensen lit up. “Awesome,” he said, then glanced at his watch. “You've got ten minutes before our ride gets here.”

“What ride?” asked Jared. “Wait, ten minutes?” It would take him at least that long to make his hair look even slightly close to presentable in public. 

He left to hurry back to the dorm without waiting for Jensen's answer, and only half-heard Chad yell after him, “And don't tell Tom! He'll rat us out.”

****

Jensen's 'ride' turned out to be a battered van driven by two guys in cowboy hats.

“Hey,” said the one not driving when everyone had climbed into the back. “I'm Steve, this is Chris.”

Chris nodded vaguely at them and started the van. “Hold on tight, guys,” he said. “No seatbelts on this thing.” They jolted down the road, and Jared wondered if there was any suspension either.

“You're gonna need these,” said Steve, handing out fake IDs. “May not look exactly like you, but it'll do where we're going.”

“Steve and Chris are ex-ex-gays,” explained Jensen quietly to Jared. “They used to be at True Directions.”

Steve overheard him, and laughed slightly. “Yeah, we were there,” he said. “Before we jumped ship.” He shrugged. “We're not gonna tell you how to live your life, like Dawn does, we just want you to get a balanced picture. There are other options than keeping who you are hidden your whole life.”

Jared blinked at them. These were the gay guys that were meant to be dragging him into a life of depravity? They looked just like any other couple of guys he might see in a country bar somewhere. There was a guitar slotted down between their seats. “So,” he said uncertainly, “You're like, the underground homo railroad?”

They laughed, and Jensen elbowed his side gently with a grin. Jared wondered what he'd let himself in for.

****

When Jared saw that the bar they were going to was called _The Cocksucker_ , his bad feeling about the trip began to grow, and when he stepped through the door, he realised the worry had been completely justified.

In a booth immediately opposite the entrance, two women were draped over each other. To their left, two men were standing only inches apart, and one of them was resting his hand casually on the other's hip. Jared stared in horror, then turned an accusing look on Jensen.

“This is a gay bar!”

Jensen rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah,” he said. “Where else would we go?” Jared gaped at him, but Jensen just grinned. “Let me get you a drink.”

He headed straight for the bar without waiting to hear Jared protest, “I don't drink!”

Jared trailed after him, not sure what else to do. The other members of their group had all spread out – he could see Chad dancing like a maniac on the dance floor and Genevieve knocking back drinks at the bar, but where everyone else had gone was a mystery.

Jensen sat on a stool by the bar and smiled at Jared when he slumped down next to him. They watched the dancing for a while, and Jared found himself riveted by two guys who kissed for what seemed like an entire song. He was busy trying to tell himself that the hot feeling in the pit of his stomach was disgust when a guy came up to him.

“Want to dance?” he asked.

Jared just stared at him for a long moment, probably looking as if the guy had asked him if he wanted eat a live cockroach. “I, uh, don't dance,” he choked out after a moment.

The guy looked disappointed. “Suit yourself,” he said with a shrug, and headed out to the dance floor on his own.

Jensen nudged Jared with his elbow, and gave him a sharp grin. “Pussy,” he accused.

Jared glared at him. “I'm not dancing with some strange guy in a gay bar,” he hissed.

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “Too afraid you might have some fun?”

Jared felt the challenge stir something up in him and he stood up off the stool without another word. He glanced round the dance floor until he spotted the guy, then stalked over to him. The guy grinned at him and took hold of his hips, pulling him closer and swaying with him to the beat, and that's roughly when the red haze fell from Jared's eyes and he realised that he had absolutely no idea what he was doing.

He wasn't even any good at dancing with girls – Sandy almost always gave up on him about halfway through the first song and danced with her friends instead - and dancing with a guy was even harder. He had no idea where he should put his hands, putting them on the guy's shoulders, his arms, even on his back for a split second before he decided he didn't like how close that meant they were. The guy was trying to lead, which Jared found really, really confusing and the whole thing was just awkward as hell.

He looked over at Jensen, meaning to glare at him for putting him in this predicament with his almost-a-dare words, and saw that Misha had stolen his seat next to Jensen. He was saying something quiet to Jensen, and Jensen nodded and stood up, taking Misha's hand and leading him on to the dance floor.

Jared felt something burning hot rise up in his throat and he swallowed, looking back down at the guy he was dancing with. _At least he's shorter than me_ , he thought. It would be really weird to have to dance with someone taller than him, and also it meant that he could see Jensen and Misha over the top of his head. It was clear that neither of them were as awkward about dancing as Jared was. Misha pulled Jensen in close, and both his hands roved up and down Jensen's back. Jared wondered what it felt like, whether he could feel Jensen's muscles beneath his shirt, and then tried to block the thought from his mind.

When Jensen started responding in kind, though, his hands creeping round from Misha's waist to travel over his ass, Jared couldn't take it any longer. He pulled away from the guy he was dancing with and headed for the nearest exit, suddenly desperate for the cold night air on his face. He somehow managed to knock into Misha as he passed, sending him stumbling back a couple of steps. Jared continued straight past him without stopping.

The exit led to a tiny yard furnished mainly with beer barrels. Jared had time to take two long, deep breaths before the door slammed open again and Jensen came out.

“What the hell's up with you?” he demanded.

“What's up with you?” Jared shot back. “And Misha?” he added. He was a little surprised by how much venom he put into Misha's name.

“Nothing!” exclaimed Jensen, “Jesus, Jared...”

“Nothing?” asked Jared, cutting into whatever Jensen was about to say. “This is nothing?” He stepped close to Jensen and smoothed his hands roughly over his back the way Misha had. He could feel Jensen's muscles underneath his clothes, tense and strong, and for a moment he wanted nothing more than to get even closer and feel all over Jensen's body. With a wrench, he pulled himself away and paced away to the corner of the yard. 

“Forget it,” he growled, feeling out-of-control and itchy, as if his skin was one size too small. “Just...go back inside. Go dance, whatever.” He desperately needed some time alone so that he could catch his breath, shove down all the things he was feeling and remember what Dawn and Eric had been teaching them for the last few weeks.

Jensen was staring at him, frozen still. “That what you want?” he asked.

“I don't care,” snapped Jared. “Do whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” repeated Jensen in a dangerous voice. “You want me to do whatever I want?” His eyes were fixed on Jared, glittering in the distant light from the street.

“Sure,” agreed Jared, desperate for Jensen to leave so that he could stop his heart pumping so fast.

Instead, Jensen stalked towards him. “What I really want,” he said darkly, “is this.” He grabbed Jared's head and pulled him down into a hard kiss, and the feel of his mouth against Jared's sent lightning bolts shooting through Jared's veins in a way that nothing with Sandy ever had. _Definitely gay,_ he thought for the one, heart-stopping moment before he found himself kissing Jensen back, holding tightly to his shoulders and feeling the muscles shifting under his shirt again.

He pulled back with a gasp, and stepped away. “Oh, god,” he heard himself. “Fuck.” If there was ever a time for profanity, this had to be it.

“Jared,” said Jensen, breathlessly, but Jared couldn't let him finish what he was saying.

“I don't,” he said, turning away so he didn't have to look at Jensen's lips, or his eyes, or, damnit, his freckles, which Jared couldn't even see in this light but which he knew were there anyway. He slumped down on to a beer barrel, perching on the edge of it and staring down at his feet.. “I shouldn't want this,” he told himself.

Jensen crowded up close to him with a couple of fast steps and bent down, one hand cupping Jared's face as if he wanted to kiss him again. Jared ducked his head away. “We can't do this,” he said.

Jensen let go of his face, but didn't step away. “Why not?” he asked. “Because Dawn says it's wrong?”

“It _is_ wrong,” said Jared, wishing he sounded more sure.

Jensen snorted. “Bullshit.” He stepped between Jared's legs, pulled him close and kissed him again. This time it was less rough and desperate, and more like Jensen was trying to find every way he could make Jared feel weak, learning exactly what effect each movement of his tongue had on him. One hand stroked up through Jared's hair, and he didn't let go when he pulled back. “Does that feel wrong?” he asked in a harsh whisper, mouth still only inches from Jared's.

Jared wasn't really interested in more conversation so he put his hand on Jensen's cheek, ignoring the strange thrill that came from the feel of stubble, and pulled his mouth down against his again. If he was going to mess up being straight, he was going to mess up properly.

****

An hour later, they were still making out. Well, there'd been some conversation as well, but mainly it had just been the feel of Jensen's lips against his, the taste of his stubble and the way it made Jared's tongue tingle, and hands, first smoothing across clothing, then slowly sneaking underneath, until Jared knew exactly how smooth the skin of Jensen's back was and how Jensen's fingertips felt dancing over his spine. Neither of them had gone further than that, although Jared thought Jensen wanted to. Jared was achingly hard, but he didn't want to push it, not tonight when everything seemed so perfect.

At the sound of the door from the club opening again, they both sprang apart. Misha looked at them for a long moment with that emotionless stare that always made Jared slightly nervous.

“Chris and Steve say it's time to go,” he informed them, then turned and left.

“He's weird,” said Jared, pushing Jensen away and standing up. He smoothed down his shirt, trying to make it look a little less like he'd spent the whole evening doing things that would make his mom cry.

Jensen shrugged as they headed back inside. “He's okay,” he said. “Just shy, I think.”

When they were back inside the van, Jensen sat as close as he could to Jared and curled his fingers possessively around his thigh. Jared put his arm round Jensen's back and pulled him in even closer, until he could feel every breath Jensen took trailing hotly across his neck.

****

They spent the next week or so sneaking around and stealing kisses whenever they could. They came perilously close to being caught out by Eric and Dawn several times, but Jared found it hard to remember to be careful when he was riding high on the euphoria of touching Jensen. The rush of emotion he felt whenever he looked at Jensen and the thrill of knowing Jensen felt the same way clouded his judgement far more than anything else ever had. He knew that he shouldn't be giving into this thing, that he should stop it, but it was hard to remember all the reasons it was wrong when Jensen was smiling at him with bright eyes.

One night, Jared was woken up by a soft pat to his shoulder. When he opened his eyes, Jensen was standing over the bed, and he put a finger on Jared's lips then silently beckoned. Jared grinned at him, glanced at the other boys, who all seemed to be asleep, and carefully climbed out of bed.

Jensen backed him up against the wall outside the boy's dorm and crowded close to Jared's ear. “I can't sleep,” he whispered. “What do you say we find somewhere quiet to...talk?”

The pause he left before 'talk' made it clear that talking wasn't the only thing he was planning on doing, and Jared felt a hot shiver go down his spine. Instead of answering, he bent down and kissed Jensen, gently biting at his lower lip before pulling back. Jensen grinned at him and headed off towards the main house. Jared followed close behind, anticipation thrumming through him. After a week of being at a constant low-level of arousal, he was ready to go beyond a few kisses, even if the idea still terrified him as much as it excited him.

They were heading for the common room, and Jared remembered what Mike and Tom had looked like when he'd walked in on them. He walked slightly faster, reaching out to grab Jensen's hand, and Jensen glanced back at him as he opened the door, squeezing his fingers around Jared's.

Inside the room, there was a curse and a thump, and Jared took his eyes off Jensen to see Chad fall off the couch, presumably with surprise. He was completely naked, and so was Katie, who had managed to stay on the couch.

“Holy fuck,” hissed Jensen, staring at them. “Are you guys having _heterosexual_ sex?!”

Chad scrambled to his feet, grabbing for his pants and pulling them on roughly. “Jesus Christ, couldn't you have knocked?” he asked. Katie just sighed and lay back on the couch, apparently not at all bothered by her nudity.

“I'm sorry,” said Jensen, sarcastically, “I didn't know you had to book in advance.”

There was a bang from somewhere upstairs, and they all froze.

“Shit,” hissed Chad. “Dawn!” He grabbed the rest of his clothes, ran across the room to the window, which was open, and threw himself out of it. There was a muffled cry as he hit the flowerbeds on the other side. Katie, who had managed to pull on her dress but was carrying her underwear, hiked herself over the window frame and followed.

Jensen hesitated for a long moment, glancing back towards the stairs, where they could hear footsteps approaching. “If we all go the same way, she'll catch us,” he whispered. “We should split up. You go out the window, I'll head back the other way.”

Jared shook his head. “No way,” he said. “There's no time – she'll still get everyone if we do that. You go out the window, I'll stall her.”

Jensen stared at him. “Jared,” he hissed.

Jared didn't let him finish. He pushed him towards the window. “How much trouble am I going to get into for sneaking around on my own, compared to all of us doing it together? She'll think there's an orgy.”

Jensen stared at him for another long moment, then abruptly nodded. “I'll make it up to you,” he said, then climbed out the window.

Just in time – Dawn appeared at the door only a few seconds later, holding a flashlight which she shone in Jared's face. “What is going on here?!” she demanded. She flicked the light away from Jared's face and trailed it around the room suspiciously.

“I'm sorry,” said Jared, trying out his best 'I'm so sorry, Mom, it was a complete accident' face on her. “I was hungry, so I thought I'd raid the kitchen, and then I ran into the door.”

She glared at him. “The kitchen is out of bounds after lights out,” she announced.

“I know,” said Jared contritely, hoping like hell that Jensen and the others had made it back to bed okay. “I'm really sorry.”

Dawn narrowed her eyes, then flicked her flashlight off, leaving white spots burnt into Jared's retinas. “Get back to bed,” she said. “And don't let it happen again.”

Jared nodded apologetically, then hurried back to the boy's dorm, leaving Dawn to prowl around the rest of the house with her flashlight. When he got back, both Jensen and Chad were in bed. Chad was fake-snoring really loudly, but Jensen sat up as soon as he saw it was Jared.

“Okay?” he mouthed, and Jared nodded, glanced over at the other beds, then went over to Jensen's bed and pressed a kiss against his lips.

“Good night,” he whispered, then went to his own bed.

****

Step Five: The Final Test

 

It was two days later that Chad made his breakthrough in therapy. Eric was trying, yet again, to get Tom to talk about his traumatic breast experience, and Chad just came out with it out of nowhere.

“I'm a heterosexual,” he said in a breathy, awed voice.

Eric paused and turned to him. “Uh, nearly,” he said. “But not quite yet, another couple...”

“No,” interrupted Chad. “I'm a heterosexual. I've never been gay.” There was silence as everyone tried to process that, and he looked up. “I like girls. People just think I'm gay because I bleach my hair, and I model, and I'm a bit of a drama queen, but I really like big, soft breasts and hot, wet pussy.” He grinned. “I'm straight!”

“Chad,” said Eric with a sigh, but Chad wasn't listening. He left the room without looking back. Jared tried to catch Jensen's eye and found him looking expectantly at Katie. Jared looked at her as well, and she shrugged.

“I don't think I'm gay either,” she said. “I think I'm bisexual.”

Eric glared at her. “Bisexual is just another way of saying 'indecisive slut,'” he snapped, and stood up and followed Chad out.

Katie looked down at her feet. “Guess I'm a slut then,” she said. “Just like my mom.”

****

Chad packed his bags and left that same day. Jared watched him put all his bags in the back of his parents' car and wondered if his parents would come get him if he left the course. He was beginning to get the sneaky suspicion that kissing Jensen whenever he could wasn't going to help him get straight any time soon – or even that it was possible for him to get straight at all. They were nearly the whole way through the course, and it didn't seem like anyone was more heterosexual than when they'd started, just better at faking it.

Jared found himself thinking about Chris and Steve and how happy and relaxed they'd been with each other. He wanted that for himself, but he couldn't ever see it happening with a woman, not now he'd found out just what it was like to be with a guy – what it was like when it really meant something to kiss someone. Maybe he should just leave the course and accept that he was always going to be a homosexual. It couldn't be as bad as Dawn and Eric made it out to be – not when the alternative was to spend the rest of his life pretending and never getting what he really wanted.

Two days later, it was his sister's birthday, and he got permission from Dawn to phone home and wish her a happy birthday. After Meghan had spent an excited five minutes telling Jared all about her new bike, his mom came on the phone.

“Hello sweetie,” she said brightly. “How's it going there?”

“Uh, good,” said Jared. “I miss you guys, though.”

“We miss you too. You'll be home soon, though, and all better.”

“Yeah,” said Jared slowly. “Uh, Mom...” He paused, heart in his mouth, then pressed on. “What if I don't get better?”

There was a long silence on the other end of the line.

“Oh, sweetie,” said his mom, sounding horribly sad. “You know you couldn't come back here if you were...like _that_. Your sister's so young still, and easily influenced...you know we couldn't have you around her.”

Jared felt like he was going to be sick. “Yeah,” he rasped out. “Okay.”

“But that won't happen,” said his mom firmly. “Dawn said you've been doing real well.”

“Yeah, I have,” lied Jared. “I'm going to be fine.”

“Good,” she said, and Jared could hear the relief in her voice. “Then we'll see you soon – at graduation.”

“Yeah, see you then,” said Jared. “Bye, Mom.”

“Bye, sweetie,” she said, and then hung up. Jared put the phone down very carefully.

He was supposed to be going back to dinner, but the thought of eating anything made his stomach hurt, so instead he just headed outside. He wandered through the woods for a bit, then threw himself down on the ground under a tree, wondering what the hell he was going to do. Somehow it all seemed so much clearer now, with the ultimatum in place. He couldn't ever be straight, and he couldn't, wouldn't fake it just to keep his folks happy. He couldn't hide who he was, the person Jensen made him want to be, for the rest of his life.

Jensen came out and found him after an hour. He didn't say anything, just slumped down next to Jared and rested his hand on Jared's wrist.

“How long have you known?” Jared asked him when the silence felt like it was getting too oppressive.

Jensen didn't ask what he was talking about. “Since I was 14,” he said quietly. “My dad...I knew I'd never be able to tell him.”

Jared thought about hiding for that long, and shifted closer to Jensen, pressing his leg against Jensen's. “You knew when you got here that it wasn't going to work, didn't you?” he asked.

Jensen nodded, and circled Jared's wrist properly with his fingers. “You are who you are,” he said. “You can't change that.”

“So why bother?” Jared asked.

Jensen shrugged. “My parents said I had to, or they'd disown me.”

Just like Jared's had. He shivered slightly and pushed closer to Jensen. “So, you're just going to...pretend forever?” he asked.

“Not forever,” said Jensen. “Just until college. Until I don't need them any more.”

Jared thought about that. Maybe he could pretend for just a few years, until he was older. Meghan would be older than as well – old enough, maybe, to make her own decision about whether or not Jared was going to corrupt her. Still, the idea of having to go home and lie to everyone, having to pretend that kissing Sandy was what he wanted, made him feel sick. He forced it down and reached out for Jensen, pulling him against his body and kissing him as if it could change the world and solve all their problems. Jensen relaxed into him and let him, curling one hand in Jared's hair to keep him there.

He pulled back after a couple of minutes, and smiled at Jared slightly shyly. “I got you a present,” he said.

Jared lit up. “A present?” he asked excitedly. “Awesome! What is it?”

Jensen pulled back further and reached into his pocket. “I wasn't going to give it to you till later,” he said slowly, “but...” he trailed off, and then shrugged. “Hope you like it,” he said, and put a red plastic packet in Jared's hand.

Jared grinned with joy. “Twizzlers!” he exclaimed. “Wow, where did you get these?” Dawn was unnecessarily strict about candy. Jared wasn't entirely sure that she didn't blame artificial colouring for homosexuality somehow.

Jensen shrugged one shoulder, a pleased smile on his face. “I bribed the gardener for them,” he said. “I had to steal your line about the Geneva Convention to persuade him.”

Jared grinned at him, clutching the precious sugary goodness to himself. “Thank you,” he said. “They're awesome.”

“You going to let me have one then?” Jensen asked, arching one eyebrow.

Jared laughed. “You're kidding, right? No one's getting their hands on any of these. Do you know how long it's been since I had candy?”

“Guess I'll have to work out a way to persuade you,” said Jensen, and pulled Jared down into a bone-melting kiss that almost made him lose his grip on the Twizzlers.

They ended up sharing the Twizzlers, trading sweet, sugar-laced kisses beneath the tree until Jared had forgotten all about worrying about his family.

****

A few days later, Dawn and Eric gathered them all together to announce the final test.

“You'll all be graded in each category,” she told them. “Those who pass will move on to the final stage, those who fail will be off the course.”

Jared took a deep breath, hoping his decision to stick it out and fake being straight wouldn't be all in vain because he failed the test and got thrown off. He exchanged a quick look with Jensen, who gave him a reassuring smile.

They were tested on all the different activities they'd done over the last few weeks. Jared was reasonably certain he'd aced the football and wood-chopping sections, but somehow he managed to trip over a branch during the wargames bit, and Misha 'shot' him in the back, right in front of Eric. Eric pursed his lips and made a notation on his clipboard.

The mechanics part was the final section, and Jared was dreading it. Just before they started, Jensen clapped a hand on his shoulder, and said quietly, “You'll be fine. Just don't fiddle with the part you always pull off.”

Jared felt better, right up until he looked down at the engine under Eric's watchful gaze, and realised he couldn't remember which part he always pulled off, the one that sent out a jet of oil. He hesitated for a long moment, and Eric tapped his pen impatiently on his clipboard.

“Come on, we haven't got all day,” he said impatiently, and Jared took a deep breath and just went for it.

He made it through the whole thing without sending oil over either him or Eric, and as he walked away from the car, Jensen gave him a proud smile and a thumbs up. Jared grinned happily back at him.

****

When Eric and Dawn had had a chance to grade them all, they gathered again for the results.

“You've all done extremely well,” Dawn told them with a smile. “And I'm passing all but one of you.” She looked down at Katie. “Katie, you may pack your bags.” Katie's face fell, but Dawn just swept right on with her speech. “There's cake in the kitchen for tonight, then we'll start on Part Six in the morning.”

She swept away, Eric in tow, and everyone looked at Katie, who was staring miserably at the grass.

“Guess I'm too much of a slut to get straight,” she said, dully, and stood up.

“That's not true,” said Tom. “I'm sure you'll be fine, even without the final stage, if you just try really hard.”

Katie snorted and glared at him. “Oh, sure,” she said. “Considering I'm the only person here who's had _heterosexual_ sex at this camp, I think I'm going to be just fine.” Her pointed glare took in Jared and Jensen as well as Tom, and Jared shifted uncomfortably and stared at the ground as she left.

****

Jensen crept over to Jared's bed after dark again that night, but this time Jared was waiting for it. He followed Jensen without a sound, and was grateful when he realised they weren't headed for the common room. If he walked in on anyone else having sex in there, he thought he was going to scream.

Instead, they went to the linen closet on the second floor. Jensen pulled some blankets off the shelves and spread them out on the floor, then pulled Jared down to sit next to him.

“We're less likely to be heard here,” he said. “Eric and Dawn's rooms are further away.”

“Are you intending to make a lot of noise then?” Jared asked with what he hoped was a sexy smirk but was probably just a goofy grin.

“I'm intending to make _you_ make a lot of noise,” said Jensen with what was definitely a sexy smirk, and then he pulled Jared close and kissed him, deep and intense and slow, as if he was just warming up. Jared settled against him and let him, sliding his hands underneath Jensen's clothes. It felt like he'd been waiting forever for this, for the feel of Jensen's skin, so smooth under his hands, and the taste of his tongue, sending warm sparks down Jared's spine, and now that he had it, it was even better than he'd imagined.

Everything after that was slow and perfect, just the two of them moving against each other, hands and mouths exploring every inch of skin as if there was no rush, no worry about being caught, nothing but each other and this moment. Jensen sucked his cock, his mouth hot and wet and like nothing Jared had ever dreamed could exist. He swallowed down all of Jared's come, then looked up at him with bright eyes, tongue flicking out to lick a stray droplet from his lips, and Jared had to haul him up and kiss him, hold him close and hot against his body. He wrapped his hand around Jensen's cock, and tried really hard not to fumble as he stroked it.

Jensen made a deep, moaning noise and ducked his head to suck at Jared's neck, which Jared hoped meant he was doing it right. Jensen's cock was hard and heavy, and fitted in his hand as if they were made to go together. Jensen came with a soft cry that he muffled against Jared's shoulder, and then collapsed against him.

They just breathed together for a while, then Jensen shifted slightly to the side, making himself more comfortable. Jared turned with him so that he could keep watching his face. Jensen grinned at him, resting his head on his fist.

“That was pretty awesome, right?” he said, and Jared had to grin back.

“Oh yeah,” he agreed. “I didn't realise it would be like that.”

Jensen rested his other hand on Jared's waist. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Sex and cheerleading are my two favourite things.”

Jared half-laughed. “Cheerleading really means that much to you?” he asked.

Jensen's grin dimmed slightly, and Jared immediately felt bad. “Yeah. I guess it's kinda dorky.”

“No,” disagreed Jared. “I think it's great that you have something you feel so strongly about.”

Jensen's grin lit up again. “I'll have to get you doing it next,” he said, and Jared laughed again.

“I think I'll stick with basketball,” he said. “Cheerleading looks way too hard.”

“I thought you liked hard things,” whispered Jensen, crooking an eyebrow and sliding his hand down to Jared's cock. Jared felt his arousal already building again as Jensen slowly fondled it, and laughed breathily.

“Guess I do,” he said, and kissed Jensen again, pulling him close.

****

The sun was coming up when they finally crept back to bed, and Jared went to sleep with the image of Jensen smiling at him from his own bed across the room still dancing behind his eyelids.

He woke up to a very different scene.

“Wake up, you disgusting pervert,” snapped Dawn, and Jared opened his eyes to find a ring of accusing faces circling his bed.

“What's going on?” he asked sleepily.

“Don't pretend you don't know,” hissed Dawn. “Get up!”

Jared glanced across to Jensen's bed to find it already empty. _Oh crap_.

****

Dawn interviewed them separately. “Of course, you know what your depravity has cost you,” she said to Jared. “You'll be removed from the program, and the premises, at once.”

Jared nodded. He'd known last night exactly what it would mean if they were caught, and had decided it was worth the risk. That didn't change just because they had been found out.

“And, of course, your parents don't want you home now,” carried on Dawn, and Jared had to look down at the floor and swallow hard. “So you'll be left to your own devices.”

“I understand,” said Jared miserably, wondering where the hell he'd go. Where he and Jensen would both go – Jensen probably wasn't welcome home any more than he was. That thought cheered him up a little – he wasn't completely on his own, he had Jensen. They'd get through this together.

“The only way I could possibly let you stay,” said Dawn, slowly, “would be if it was all Jensen's fault – if he took advantage of you.”

Jared stared at her. “But he didn't,” he said. “He wouldn't do that.”

Dawn pursed her lips unhappily, and sighed. “Then you're off the course,” she said. “Pack your bags.”

****

There was no one in the dorm while Jared packed. He kept waiting for Jensen to come in and say he'd been kicked out as well, and hopefully that he knew somewhere they could go.

When the door did open, though, it wasn't Jensen, it was Genevieve. “You're leaving?” she asked, and Jared nodded.

“Probably for the best,” she said, but she didn't sound much like she believed it. She sat down on one of the beds and watched in silence for a while as Jared packed. “It was Misha,” she said suddenly. “He told on you. I mean...almost everyone knew, but we wouldn't have ratted you out.”

“Misha?” said Jared, confused. He'd not even considered that anyone would tell on them – he'd just figured Dawn or Eric had heard or seen them last night. But, then, he supposed they'd have confronted them then rather than waiting until this morning.

“Yeah,” said Genevieve. “He's pretty jealous of you. He's got a thing for Jensen.”

Jared stared at her, then laughed tiredly. “No one here's really doing very well at the straight thing, are they?” he said. He put the last of his clothes in his bag and zipped it up, then paused, not sure what to do. “I don't have anywhere to go,” he said, staring down at it. “I mean...not even just for tonight. I walk out of here, I've no idea which direction to turn.”

“Turn left,” said Genevieve. Jared looked up at her. “Steve and Chris – those guys from the other night, they gave us their address while we were waiting for you guys at the end. They said that if we ever changed our minds about True Directions, we could go there.” She held out a small card, and Jared took it gratefully.

“Thank you,” he said.

Genevieve shrugged and stood up. “Good luck,” she said, and left the room. Jared took one last look around at the blue walls and followed her, hoping he'd find Jensen waiting for him on the front porch.

****

Jensen was on the front porch, but it didn't look like he was waiting for Jared. He was with his parents and Dawn and he had his head ducked down, staring hard at the ground as they discussed him.

“Jensen's always been easily lead,” his father was saying in a booming voice to Dawn. “That's how all this nonsense started in the first place – the influence of all that crap on TV. It shouldn't be allowed.”

They stopped talking when they saw Jared, and Jensen's mother glared at him. “I hope you're happy now,” she said bitterly. Jared just blinked at her, then looked at Jensen, who didn't seem to be able to meet his gaze. Jared began to get a very horrible sinking feeling.

“It's sad,” said Dawn, ostensibly to Jensen's father, but her eyes were still on Jared, “but we just can't help some people. They're too far down the path of depravity to recover, and the most we can do is stop them affecting others.”

Jared felt his heart contract painfully in his chest. _Look up,_ he silently begged Jensen. _Say it's not true, that you haven't sold me out._ Jensen didn't look up though, he just shrunk further into himself.

“You're out,” Dawn said to Jared firmly. “Skedaddle.”

Jared picked up his bag numbly and Dawn led Jensen's parents past him, back towards the dorms. Jensen trailed after them and as he passed Jared he finally looked up. His eyes were dark with misery and shame as he mouthed _I'm so sorry._ Jared just stared at him, struck dumb by the betrayal.

Dawn, Jensen's parents and Jensen disappeared around the corner, and Jared stared after them for a moment, then started the walk to Chris and Steve's on his own.

****

Chris and Steve let him in without any questions, sat him down on the couch, and gave him a beer. Jared stared at it for a long moment before deciding that if he'd been disowned by his parents for being a sick, depraved pervert, he could probably get away with a bit of underage drinking. He took a swig, then grimaced at the taste. Chris smirked, and Jared tried to distract him from his lack of manliness by finishing the speech he'd been thinking about the whole walk over.

“So, I figure you guys could...teach me how to be gay. What to wear, how to act, all that stuff.”

“Uh,” said Steve, “we can't teach you that.” Jared felt his heart sink. “You don't learn that shit, man, you just live it. It's who you are.”

Jared frowned, trying to understand that. So he wouldn't have to start wearing loads of pink? He'd kinda been looking forward to that. Maybe he could buy some pink shirts anyway.

Mike walked in while he was still considering Steve's words, and Jared stood up in surprise. “Hey,” he said, not quite sure what reaction to expect. He had got him kicked out of True Directions, after all.

“Jared!” Mike said happily, and gave him a big hug. “Awesome to see you!” Jared hugged him back, grateful to see a familiar face.

****

Mike helped Jared carry his bag up to the room that would be his for the foreseeable future. “Until you get on your feet,” said Chris. Jared wasn't sure how he was going to manage to do that, but it was an enormous relief to know he had somewhere to stay while he figured it out.

Jared's room was small – just enough room for the bed and a closet, but it felt like a haven after the shared dormitory at True Directions. As he looked round it, he couldn't help wondering what it would have been like if Jensen had come with him. Would they have squashed together in the same room, shared the tiny bed and spent every night pressed close together, or would Jensen have got his own room?

“...curfew is midnight,” Mike was saying, collapsed back on Jared's bed as if it was his own. “We have to share bathrooms, but it's still way cooler than TD.”

“Right,” said Jared, trying to keep his thoughts off his face, but he clearly failed, because Mike sat up with a worried frown. “You okay? You know it's much better to be here than there, right?”

“Yeah,” said Jared slowly. He stared out at the window, at the tiny yard with the barbecue in it. “It's just...he was meant to be here too.”

Mike sat forward. “Who?” he asked avidly.

Jared shrugged one shoulder. “Jensen,” he said.

Mike let out a bark of laughter. “I knew it!” he crowed. “He was all over you from the start!”

“Then why didn't he come with me?” asked Jared.

Mike's grin faded, and he shrugged awkwardly. “Maybe he was scared.”

“And I'm not?” muttered Jared. Mike patted his knee comfortingly.

****

To celebrate Jared's 'freedom from the tyranny of heterosexual repression,' Mike took Jared out to the Cocksucker the next night. Jared sat by the bar, trying to pretend that everything didn't remind him of Jensen and that he was having a good time.

“You want to dance?” asked Mike. “Not, like, in a coming-on-to-you way,” he said in a rush, “just in a friend way.”

Jared shook his head. “I'm really bad at dancing,” he said. “You go ahead. I'm going to get some air.”

He went out to the little yard again and sat down on the barrel where he'd been when Jensen had kissed him. It felt like he could still remember every detail of it – the way Jensen's lips had felt, rougher than Sandy's and so much more perfect; the way he'd clung to Jared as if he was never going to let go.

So, why did he? Was it just a casual fling for him? Jared could still remember the dismissive tone of Jensen's voice when he'd said _it was just fucking around,_ when he'd been talking about the guy he'd got caught with before he went to True Directions. Was that what he'd been doing with Jared? 

It had seemed more than that though – much more. There'd been a moment, when Jared had had Jensen's cock in his hand and Jensen had looked at him as if he was everything, and Jared hadn't been able to breathe for a moment. _I expect all guys look like that when they're getting off,_ he though glumly. But that didn't explain the way Jensen had collapsed onto him afterwards and kissed Jared deep and slow.

Jared sighed and shook his head sharply, trying to knock away the images. There was no point in torturing himself over it like this.

After a few more minutes, Mike came out and sat down next to him with a sigh. “It's not that bad,” he said.

Jared shrugged. “I just miss him,” he admitted, feeling pathetic. It had hardly been two days since he'd been lying in Jensen's arms in the linen closet.

“Jesus,” said Mike, quietly. “Look, it's up to him, right? If he's too scared to take a risk, that's his problem. You can't beat yourself up about it.”

Jared thought about that. “What about you and Tom?” he asked, and Mike's face closed up.

“I'm not responsible for his spinelessness,” he said, bitterly. “If he won't make a stand, then he won't make a stand.”

Jared nodded, thinking about how Tom had moped around after Mike had left, and about how quiet he'd got whenever one of the others mentioned him. He couldn't help but think that if Mike had taken a chance, Tom might have changed his mind. “Well,” he said slowly, his brain spinning, “what would _you_ do?” _What would I do?_

****

Graduation

 

Mike borrowed Chris's truck on the day of the True Directions graduation. Jared slumped in the passenger seat, trying to work out if this was the stupidest thing he'd ever done, or whether kissing Jensen in the first place had been stupider.

“You've got a back-up plan, right?” asked Mike as they drove up there.

“What?” said Jared, staring at him.

Mike glanced over at him, then back at the road. “Well, what if 'come and live in gay bliss with me' doesn't work? What are you going to do to persuade him?”

Jared stared at him. He hadn't even got round to thinking about what he might say, let alone what he'd do if that didn't work. He glanced around, casting about for options, and spotted something in a shop window. “Stop the car,” he said, and Mike dutifully pulled over.

“What? Jared, we'll miss it...”

“I'll be two minutes,” promised Jared, before leaping out and heading back to the shop.

****

They arrived just in time to hear Dawn start the opening speech, and parked the car behind a tree just off the road. They crept forward together, then crouched down behind a bush. Everyone's families were there, sitting on white benches in front of a little podium that had been erected in front of the house.

“Welcome to the graduating class of True Directions,” announced Dawn, and Jared crouched down further, hoping she wouldn't see him and Mike. Jensen and the others were seated on a bench at the back.

“Good luck,” whispered Mike, and darted away. Jared took a deep breath and followed him.

“May I present our happy heterosexuals!” said Dawn, beaming, and they all stood up and started processing one-by-one down the aisle to the front. Jared snuck into one of the empty rows towards the back, and waited, heart in his mouth, for Jensen to walk past.

When he did, dressed in the same blue suit as the other boys and looking grim, as if he was marching to his death, Jared grabbed his arm and pulled him down beside him.

“Jared!” Jensen gasped in surprise.

“Hi,” said Jared, grinning at him. In the short few days since he'd last seen Jensen, it seemed he'd forgotten just how Jensen made his blood fizz merely by being close.

“What are you doing here?” asked Jensen.

“I came to get you,” said Jared. Jensen stared at him as if he was a lunatic, and Jared found himself repeating the words Mike had said in the car. “Come and live in gay bliss with me?” he asked.

Jensen stared at him harder. “I can't,” he said. “Jared...you know I can't.” He pulled away and stood up again, heading for the front while the audience politely applauded. Jared watched his back in disbelief, feeling slightly sick.

When he got back to the tree where they'd hidden the truck, Mike and Tom were already there, tongues halfway down each other's throats.

“That was fast,” said Jared bitterly. 

Mike pulled away long enough to ask, “Where's Jensen?”

Jared glanced back at the ceremony, where he could see the top of Jensen's head in the front row. “He's going to need a bit more persuading,” he said firmly.

“Time for the back-up plan?” said Mike with a grin. He looked at Tom. “You're going to love this.” Tom just grinned and rubbed his cheek against the top of Mike's head.

“I already am,” he said, and Jared had to turn away before he punched them both for being sickeningly happy.

****

Jared could, off-hand, think of several times when he'd been been at the centre of a ring of faces looking at him as if he was an idiot. The time in eighth grade when he'd called Mrs Hadfield 'Mom' in front of the entire class. Last year when he'd managed to fumble an easy throw from Milo in the middle of the final, and the ball had bounced straight into the other team's hands, who'd then easily scored. Knocking over a glass of water into Sandy's grandmother's lap the first time he met her. Without a doubt, this beat all of those times put together.

He took a deep breath, held his head high, and walked down the aisle between the seats. Dawn stared at him in horror, cut off mid-way through her speech, and the rest of the audience slowly turned round to see what she was looking at.

Jared only had eyes for one head, though. When Jensen turned round and saw him, his eyes went almost comically round with shock. Jared stopped walking and tried to swallow the bile in his throat down. He raised his pompoms high, prayed to any gods who might be listening that this wouldn't go as horribly wrong as he feared it would, and started cheering.

“One, two, three, four, I won't take 'no' any more,” he chanted. He'd only had the five minute drive in the car to come up with a rhyme, and he was hoping like hell that Jensen would appreciate enthusiasm in the absence of actual ability. 

“Five, six, seven, eight, I want you to be my mate.” He wasn't really sure what he should be doing with his arms, so he just kept waving them around in vaguely semaphore-like positions. 

“One, two, three, four, you're the one that I adore.” He kept his eyes fixed hard on Jensen's face, trying to work out if the frozen look was a sign he was being won over, or that he was so completely humiliated and terrified that he'd need therapy for the next twenty years. 

“Five, six, seven, eight, don't run from me, cos this is fate.” And that was all he'd had time to come up with, despite Mike trying to convince him that 'one two three four, I want to suck your cock some more, five six seven eight, some anal sex would be great' would work as another verse.

Jensen was still staring, but Jared thought he could see a smile pulling at the edges of his mouth. “I love you,” he said, hoping that would tip the balance in his favour. Jensen's face blossomed into a grin, and he stood up. Jared felt dizzy with relief.

“Jared!” yelled Dawn in a harsh voice. She'd come down from the podium, and was advancing down the aisle towards him. “You stop it this instant! You will wallow in the swamp of your homosexual depravity for the rest of your life!” She looked about two inches away from just ripping Jared's head off with her bare hands, and she was stalking closer. Jared decided quickly that he'd done all he could and it was time to get out of there, and turned and ran as fast as he could for the truck.

He threw the pompoms in the bed of it, then climbed in after them, hammering on the side as he did so. “Let's go!” he yelled at Mike.

“Wait!” came a shout from behind him, and Jared turned to see Jensen running towards the truck. It was the most amazing thing he'd ever seen. “Wait, Jared!”

Jared grabbed his arm and pulled him up just as the engine started. They fell backwards, on to the floor of the truck, all tangled up around each other.

“You're a complete fucking idiot,” said Jensen and kissed him, his mouth hard and fierce and desperate. Jared kissed him back, pulling him close, and didn't let him go until they were back at Chris and Steve's.


End file.
